Well, I never thought I’d get in journaling/blogging/whatever you want to call this. I believe this is something that will not only help me, but hopefully help someone else as well. This piece is honestly inspired from listening to NF’s new album and his song Fear. I highly recommend giving it a listen. In part of this song, NF talks about how darkness can become routine. We can feel like we lose our sense of choice and end up losing pieces of our lives like our keys, hope, will, joy, friends, faith, and voice. He wrestles with God about these fears he has. The big question NF asks, “Is this what you wanted?”
I know I definitely go through seasons of life, and I would guess most of you do as well. Sometimes things are great, and other times not so great. Over time, I think it gets easier to recognize when we’re getting close to a good season or bad one. Like NF said, “It’s the same song and dance,” at least for those of us who have typical good and bad patches that seem to recur. When we’re used to something it’s easy to walk back into that darkness, because at some point it becomes a normal, routine part of life. You start to question what is real and what is not and whether it’s worth fighting to see the bright side of things anymore since you know that good patch will come again at some point.
If this doesn’t relate to you, that’s okay, I pray and hope you continue to go to God and strive to keep that relationship at the forefront of your life. Now I don’t write this for you or anyone else to feel sorry for me, I know God is still right there with me whether I feel like he’s there or not. I’d be lying if I said I was going through a season where God and I feel tight. I haven’t been guarding my heart super well and have lost that hope and joy that I know comes from God. Lately, I’ve convinced myself to live a life in the middle where maybe sometimes my life leads to God and his glory shown or it leads to laziness, selfishness, anger, where I live life to make it work for me.
There have definitely been thoughts where maybe I am just a lost cause, because of that lost hope, joy, and faith. I’ve had multiple moments where maybe I just have to accept this is how it is and just live life until I die and whatever happens will happen. I think I know deep down that these are all lies, but I’ve buried that truth so far down that it’s going to take some time to dig back out. For me, I need to keep wrestling with these doubts and fears even though it’d be very easy to coast and do life and live with a it is what it is mentality.
If you’re in a similar boat, maybe we can work on these steps together. Be honest with God. He can handle the season you’re in, those thoughts, no matter how dark. Talk with God even though you may feel distant. If journaling helps, I’d suggest journaling somewhere, you can use it to track each day, week, however much you want to write. Find a friend. Find one person that you know you could share anything with, they can sit with you in the most ugly parts of your life and be there but not let you stay there. Don’t put a time stamp on this process. It will take however long it needs to take. Look for small wins. Find something to be grateful for each day. If you’re anything like me, you’ll want to be perfect at all of it which will lead to being demoralized from continuing to try. I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. No one is perfect. We all have crap in our lives. All we can do is try. I’m not saying I have it all figured out. I struggle most days, but I’m trying.
Love you guys, God bless!
JFed